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A Coward's Denial

Thomas was recently interviewed for the magazine ‘What Are You Looking At”, a publication at the forefront of promoting awareness of clinical neuroticism, a condition affecting everyone, according to a recent survey of their subscribers. They interviewed Thomas because he displays all the signs of a delusional neurotic with Social Aspiration Syndrome: a diagnosis that, although unofficial, could explain his bizarre behaviour and inability to make friends with anyone, including his mother. Moreover, his denial about having said inability borders on pathological.

“I’m fed up with hearing from people who are successful,” says Thomas, after we pushed him into a gutter. “You know, people interviewed on television and things. I’m not interested in those who get lucky, or who know someone who knows someone who is. I want to hear from people who don’t make it. Those who’ve tried, but failed. Their stories will resonate with far more people than stories of success. I want to see a television program about all those who’ve tried, but failed. Those who reveal the pain in having to concede defeat; the heartache that success is not going to be theirs. I want to see their futility and the evidence of their efforts. I want to see the map they used to get there and discover the point at which they gave up—that’s if they gave up at all—because I think it takes more courage to surrender than to persist, which is no more than denial and a coward’s excuse.”

When we pointed out that his denial about failure is probably large enough to be clinically measurable—and that it’s likely to be why he desires to hear from failures—he told us to go and do something unsavory to each other with gardening tools, which necessitated a report to authorities. In the end, Thomas may be on to something—and we’re not referring to Social Aspiration Syndrome or rogering each other with gardening rakes. Rather, when considering the number of programs made about successful people, it is remarkable that there are none made about the failures. This is obviously to encourage others to aspire to new heights and help propel forward humanity as a whole. But, considering Thomas is supposedly a member, we wonder whether that’s necessarily a good thing.

Read about his ongoing social ineptitude in Wrongly Writing, the serialization of his upcoming second Sortabiography, a parody of writing the Dooven Books.


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