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Thomas Corfield

Thomas Corfield

He Who Writes Wrongly

The Velvet Paw of Asquith Novels

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The Trilogy's final chapters are being written now, completing half a million words of the most potent Doovenism ever conceived. While the trilogy epitomizes the genre of New Fable, so does Thomas' complete misunderstanding of basic punctuation, a characteristic  that the books have become marginally renowned for.

Thomas Corfield Velvet Paw of Asquith Novels

Over 10,000 copies sold

Officially cult status!

Fluffy just got dangerous.

This series comprises eight anthropomorphic New Fable action/adventure books that follow the escapades of Oscar Teabag-Dooven, a highly trained secret agent who’s convinced he's no more than a poet. Consequently, he finds thwarting the world’s villains tenuous, considering he can do little more than rhyme one lot of words with another.

They have been described as "Douglas Adams’ Hitch-Hiker’s Guide meets Terry Pratchett’s Discworld novels, but only in the loosest sense imaginable," which, considering the comments regarding Thomas' other books, borders on accolade.


“So action packed that several chapters consist entirely of verbs.” – Sasha Patil,

“If they were written by a far better writer, they might vaguely resemble Douglas Adams' Hitch-Hiker’s Guide meeting Terry Pratchett’s Discworld novels, but only in the loosest sense imaginable.” – Baskqua Gherini, Point of Review.

”Their plots are only held together by the books' tangled and convoluted sentences.” - Malcolm Shrot-Faith, The Guardian.

"Your comments, Malcolm, border on trolling. No wonder I kneed you in the bollocks." - Thomas Corfield, increasingly indignant.

Wrongly Writing has arrived!

The much anticipated second Wrong Book, and ongoing saga of an incomplete wanker, is available in paperback, ebook and an innovative audiobook, all of which involve international drug smuggling operations, complications over library membership, and the Dutch.

“Wrongly Writing is like a bad meal: in poor taste and unfinished.”

-  Oleg Vanastanovitski, Russian Mafia Hitman (unconvicted).

“The Wrong Books set the standard for having none.”

- Errica Brown-Bowen, Self-Opinionator.

“Possibly the only books written containing uncomfortable silences.”

- Messignton Blaese, Chief Architect, Baskin House Erect.

Corfield writes books with no regard for the reader, the words chosen, or even himself. If his books are emotionally charged, it's only because of the rage he inspires through appalling grammar and complete lack of style. The contempt he has earnt from the literary community is nothing short of astonishing. He's wasted not only my time, but his own. 

Malcolm Shrot-Faith, The Guardian

Praise & Reviews

The Velvet Paw of Asquith novels are a law unto themselves.  Innovative, absurd and wonderful. As cultivated as an established rose garden and with more compost.

Rarely does a book redefine a genre. Corfield has gone one step further and created an entirely new one. New Fable fiction has finally come of age. It's just unfortunate there's no market for it.

Simon Collington,

Panda Books Australia

Thomas Corfield

About Thomas Corfield

Thomas Corfield was born in London several years ago, definitely before last Thursday. This was a good year for all concerned, and for him, in particular, because without it, later years would mean little. He owes a lot to that first year and now lives, because of it, in undisclosed locations after successfully absconding from probation. Although he finds making friends difficult, this is only because no one likes him, including his mother, who didn't bother giving him a name until he was nine. His solicitor describes him as having an allergy to apostrophes and an aversion to punctuation that borders on pathology, which makes the popularity of his books all the more remarkable, at least it would if there were any, but there isn't, so it doesn't. He was recently interviewed in Joomag's "Meals of Food" magazine, which didn't help anyone.

Growing up with lots of cats and dogs had a great deal to do with the absurdity of the Velvet Paw of Asquith novels, but a far more attributable factor is that he is quite literally insane-of-the-mind.

And he has a sick note to prove it.

Often asked whether Oscar Teabag-Dooven is a real cat, Thomas has assured that yes, indeed, he was. And that more importantly, because of these novels, he still is.

When asked how many books the Velvet Paw of Asquith novels might eventually contain, he has suggested one ought to think of a number, square it, add five, and take away n times the number first chosen, with n being the approximate number of years one might have left to live. When it was pointed out there is a high probability that such an answer may be less than zero, Thomas swore gallantly and promptly punched them in the face.

It is, therefore, safe to assume the answer is somewhat greater than zero.

Probably about twenty.


Thomas in the media

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