Thomas' Books
Writing Wrongly
The first Wrong Book: the saga of an incomplete wanker
A book about writing the Velvet Paw of Asquith Novels.​
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When the worst writer in the world self-publishes his books, the consequences are disastrous: illiteracy becomes something to aspire to and book burnings become rife. The publishing industry is left haemorrhaging credibility and verges on collapse. Its recovery will require more than just destroying said books: the same must be done to the mind that created them.
Written with little regard for punctuation, this sorta-biography is the story of one writer against the entire publishing industry. There’s lots of swearing and temper tantrums, as well as a brand new psychiatric illness. There’s also an excellent café scene, which although short, is worth mentioning.
“Dreadful. The title says it all. Except about it being dreadful.” - Carmen Schneider. Acquisitions Editor, PBA.
“The publishing industry is in upheaval, it’s true. But this just rubs vinegar into its wounds and garnishes it with slices of turd.” – Robert Tasher. MD, Banquet Press.
“It’s books like this that should have the internet banned.” - Malcolm Shrot-Faith, The Guardian.
Wrongly Writing
The second Wrong Book: the ongoing saga of an incomplete wanker
Another book about writing the Dooven Books.
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Follow a man barely deserving of the title as he flails through a turgid cesspit of human depravity, only to discover that he’s the one bunging up its U-bend.
As the ongoing saga of an incomplete wanker, this second Wrong Book has even more psychiatrists, anaphylaxis and cringing social ineptitude than the first, and proves that while editors exist for a reason, the author clearly doesn’t. Wrongly Writing promises a solid dose of banality that involves international drug smuggling operations, complications over library membership, and the Dutch.
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​Wrongly Writing: experience the shame.
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“These books are like a bad meal: in poor taste and unfinished.” - Oleg Vanastanovitski, Russian Mafia Hitman (unconvicted).
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“These books set the standard for having none.” - Errica Brown-Bowen, Self-Opinionator.
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“Possibly the only books written containing uncomfortable silences.” - Messignton Blaese, Chief Architect, Baskin House Erect.
Coleshanger
“If it can be said a village has a life, then this is a biography.” Norman Williams (1908-1969)
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“Coleshanger people are pretty bad,” said Uncle Edward. “They won’t cross water after sunset. And they have to be in bed by midnight, otherwise they think that they'll be turned into baboons and apes. They also worship the flea.”
Written in 1952, Coleshanger is a humorous, whimsical and charming recount of English village life in the early part of the last century, a tale waiting seventy years to be heard, but still very much the story of us today.
“Finally, a book worth reading, principally because Thomas didn't write it.” - Malcolm Shrot-Faith, The Guardian.
“I edited it though, and that took a lot of work. I used a dictionary and everything." - Thomas Corfield, quite hurt.
Viscera
A Novel
​Medicine should heal, not tear people apart.
Cantar Ethanual Holt, professor of anatomy at a prestigious medical school, is fighting to reclaim a lost surgical career. But when his wife’s cancer returns, his hopes are shattered. At the same time, Richmond Merchison-Banks, an arrogant but brilliant medical student, is humiliated into repeating a year after Cantar is forced to fail him. When both men become infatuated with second year medical student, Livia Bravanovski, they’re thrown into a vicious struggle of pride, jealousy and revenge. But when jealousy becomes disease, it seems only surgery holds the cure.
“A poor attempt at drama, and a tedious, self-indulgent trawl through drivel, rife with excessive exposition and appalling use of apostrophes.” - Malcolm Shrot-Faith, The Guardian.
“Such comments do you no credit, Malcolm. And neither do those trousers.” – Thomas Corfield, unperturbed.
Teabusk
A Novel
When a young, impressionable physics student meets an enigmatic girl who rarely speaks, he realises that language often confuses those using it.
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Her enigma, although puzzling, is also familiar. Through it, he begins to understand things in a way he never imagined. Moreover, he discovers that his introversion is not so much a flaw, but essential to understanding everything, including his place in it.
Stillness exists for a reason. Occasionally, someone finds it.
“Generally, pretention has the redeeming quality of arrogance. And even arrogance has the redeeming quality of delusion. This, however, has no redeeming qualities whatsoever.” – Stephanie Mills, Freelance Editor.
“Yet another of Thomas’ attempts at being something he’s not: a writer. It's so badly written that I suspect even the title is a typo.” –Malcolm Shrot-Faith, The Guardian.
Thomas Corfield
When the whole world's against you, at least it's something to lean on.
Stillness exists for a reason. Occasionally, someone finds it.
Thomas Corfield