New Dooven Muzak: Literal Groove


A new wave of Dooven Muzak, the infamous anaemic pop and vagrant jazz written to complement the Dooven Books, is currently being composed by Thomas and the musical collaborators responsible for four previous albums of the stuff. While said albums have been widely recognized as having “poor musical coherence” and being “utterly devoid of originality”, they are nothing compared to the aural atrocity that the musicians’ new efforts are currently cultivating. BM Media's Studio 57, the studio responsible for producing the books’ audio editions, is astonished at being roped into further Doovenistic attempts at polyauthorism.


“I’ve worked with musicians from all over the world,” says Caivas Jade, one of Studio 57’s recording technicians, “and I have never witnessed such a serious lack of musicianship. It was bad enough when we were laying down the audiobooks, during which time Thomas struggled to come to grips with the concept of microphones and words in general, but this is far worse. I can’t work out whether they’re trying to be idiots or whether they’re just excellent examples.”


To complement Dooven Muzak's complete absence of style and consistency, a new logo has been developed to symbolize both.


“We decided a new logo was needed,” says Jefferson St. Jives, aka MC Tasty, “because the old Dooven Muzak logo was not only shit but has a piano in it and something resembling a sunset, which, considering our music, was an insult to both pianos and sunsets. The new logo, which Thomas hates, is far less alienating. It’s got two notes on it, which is great because we only know two, and the tagline Literal Groove is plastered underneath, despite our music having none.”


When asked why Thomas was opposed to the new logo, MC Tasty said he didn’t know because he didn’t care, but believes it has something to do with a serious personality disorder and an argument in a cafe.


This new wave of Dooven Muzak aims to continue representing scenes and characters from the Velvet Paw of Asquith Novels. Its cheesy, retro-esque vintage electronica hints at 60s and 70s instrumental elevator muzak, which the books’ hotels are apparently full of (there are lots of hotels in the Dooven Books because their adventures are international and quite tiring). In addition, the new logo milestones the pending release of the Morigan Trilogy, which is expected to be the most international, absurd and cinematic adventure of the series, but with better spelling.


Were circumstances much different, Dooven Muzak might not have arisen, as MC Tasty and DJ Pooh had been keen to reform their previous musical duo, Jesus Christ My Penis, once Tasty had completed a six month sentence for fraud and indecent exposure. Prior to collaborating on Dooven Muzak, the duo's musical efforts were not going well. JCMP was getting no airplay, which both musicians found particularly disappointing as the music they’d been writing was slightly better than anything they’d later collaborate on with Thomas. Nevertheless, Tasty’s incarceration provided opportunity for reflection, which culminated in Tasty deciding to set up his own broadcasting service once released. Tasty and Pooh managed this courtesy of Tasty’s association with a local gun club and some very threatening behavior. At the same time, their collaboration with Thomas was began following a chance meeting at a Wankers' Anonymous Convention. This culminated in Dooven Muzak streaming on DoovenFM!, which broadcasts Dooven Muzak all day, every day. Sadly, because of Tasty’s criminal tendencies, the terms and conditions of the casting service were exploited and resulted in massive airplay restrictions. They established, however, an on-demand player during off-air periods, which has been listened to even less than the on-air streaming. Recently, Pooh’s disappointment in his colleague’s behavior was so great that he threatened to end their professional relationship, until Tasty pointed out that their music was so dreadful that they didn’t have a professional relationship. When Thomas, who’d been present during most of the argument, offered to step in and replace Tasty as Pooh’s best friend, Pooh relented and hugged Tasty so hard that Thomas hadn’t a hope of joining in, though tried until beaten unconscious by both.

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