About The Dooven Muzak Musicians



Jonathon Michael Crapper (aka MC Tasty) and Jefferson St. Jives (aka DJ Pooh) were the musicians behind the once infamous pop group 'Jesus Christ My Penis'. Although they failed to chart musically, they did become the most heavily trolled band on the internet. So much uproar did their name arouse, that unlike pop groups swamped in fan-mail, Jesus Christ My Penis became swamped in troll-mail. Threats and injunctions followed, until it became apparent the two musicians had made a mistake even greater than their initial decision to become musicians.


"We wanted a title to make us stand out," said St. Jives during a particularly rare interview with Rolling Stones magazine—and I mean really rare. "Our music is so shit that we needed something to compensate. We were getting the odd play on radio, but our shit music coupled with calling ourselves 'Bilge Water' did nothing to help success. Clearly we couldn't improve our music because we're so completely shit, so the only option was to change our name. One morning, Jonathon happened to get his foreskin caught in his trouser zipper, and 'Jesus Christ My Penis' was a phrase he came up with almost immediately. It just seemed to work. Unlike his zipper. Or his foreskin, for that matter. We didn't mean to cause offence. We just wanted to draw attention to our music without actually drawing attention to our music. It's a bit like doing a spectacular pooh and fighting the urge to take a photo of it and share it on social media."


At the same time, Thomas' Velvet Paw of Asquith novels continued to get poor reviews. "The reviews would have been far worse," Thomas admitted, "had the reviewers not been so utterly appalled by my writing. I had a large number of offensive emails from reviewers stating that they weren't going to taint the notion of reviewing by reviewing of my books, because reviewing such dreadful writing discredited the notion of reviewing. I was hurt by some of the things they called me, too. Many of which I remain convinced aren't spelt correctly. Often I remind myself that no reviews are good reviews, even though the reviews I've received are dreadful."


Although the two parties had never met, they then did so at a Wankers' convention in Bently, Chesterford, two years ago. Despite their set-backs, all three remained compelled to write, and decided to team up in a collaboration that would see their prior failings border on aspirational.

Crappar and St. Jives renamed themselves "Dooven Muzak" as a tribute to books that are even more rubbish than they are, while Thomas found another means of complementing the rubbish he comes up with. "We felt sorry for him, obviously," said St. Jives during the same interview. "Thomas is the sort of guy you wonder about in almost every conceivable sense of the word. But because his writing is even more shit than ours, collaborating with him makes us look better. And because no one reads his books anyway, we're at no risk of being abused again. Admittedly no one will hear our music either. But because it's shit that's probably for the best. Now we can have a band title with no concerns that anyone's going to take offence. Unless someone reads Thomas' books. But having flicked through one of them, I remain convinced no one ever will. It's a win-win."


"I don't like the notion of win-win," Thomas insists. "In fact, I don't like hyphens at all. They're a lot like punctuation: getting in the way and making words look messy. All those dots and things. It's so last century."