Cinematic Audiobooks


Typically, most experiences at the cinema are over in a couple of hours. How then, can anyone hope to escape the drudgery of life by indulging in escapism when any immersion into it has them wrenched back into said drudgery within hours of being removed from it?


In 1954, studies by the University of Szeged in Hungary showed that inadequate sleep can lead to tiredness, fatigue and irritability. More recent studies have confirmed these results. Last Thursday, an informal monthly gathering of local specialist briefcase repairers in Hottentot, UK, extrapolated the original study and combined it with completely unfounded assumptions (that had nothing to do with either briefcases or even the original study) and concluded that depression and confusion are also likely.


Cinematic Audiobooks, currently in production between BM Media and Panda Books Australia, is countering the preceding paragraphs by developing immersive audiobooks that can be consumed over months, rather than hours, thanks in part to the extent to which the Dooven Books are overwritten. The notion of having the Dooven Books narrated at all is a feat in itself, as no one has been able to read one in its entirety, let alone aloud. As a result, supporting this narration with orchestral scores and ambient backgrounds seems an unnecessary indulgence for a series of books that can barely be described as books in the first place.


That is, however, until Simon Farradin, executive Producer of the project explains BM’s rationale behind Cinematic Audiobooks. “It is true that the Dooven Books are dreadful,” he said, during a break in recording in which studio staff could drain their ears of blood, “but you have to understand that the huge amount of cinematics going into these productions will distract the listener from the narration.”


This is an important point: the Dooven Books are clinically dreadful, as stipulated in the recently released novel Writing Wrongly. and having music and effects drowning out Corfield’s poorly chosen words is an effective way of protecting the listening public and preventing them from setting fire to either themselves, or others.


When asked why BM agreed to be involved with the Dooven Books in the first place, Simon said, “Actually, we didn’t. Panda Books Australia invited Samantha Hobbey, head of BM Marketing, to a dinner which turned out to go very badly, principally because there was no food and everyone attending was naked and holding ladles. Despite Panda Books’ assurances that someone in PR had got the invitations mixed up, Samantha reported the matter to authorities. When it became apparent that those in the authorities were responsible for organising the ladles, she relented and agreed to be involved in the hope that she’d be more likely to receive correct party invitations in the future.”


“Cinematic Audiobooks are a new way of presenting books,” he went on. “Rather than just narrative, the books are cradled in a wonderful sea of orchestration, which gives the listener a far more emotional experience than just listening to words—especially when they’re Corfield’s words, most of which are simply not worthy of the definition, or spelt correctly.”


Regardless of the rationale behind Cinematic Audiobooks, there is no doubt that they’re an innovative means to help heal a community still reeling from the devastation of the books’ release. It only remains to be seen whether audiobook consumers agree.