Thomas' Interview In Joomag's Magazine


As a result of a nasty telephone call, a threat of restraining orders and two poorly ordered coffees, Thomas was interviewed for Joomag’s “Meals of Food” magazine, a critically awarded culinary magazine with particular emphasis on critical. Originally published late last year, the edition was retracted shortly afterwards on legal grounds that Joomag described as “morally questionable” and “outrageously expensive.”


When we sought clarification, Joomag refused to comment, admitting they were as confused as anyone else, as they’d “done their best with the article” and “couldn’t help it if Thomas was a complete wanker”. Their response is all the more remarkable, considering their refusal to comment has resulted in comment.


In the hope of further clarification, we contacted Thomas, the man (sig) at the centre of both the article in question, and the legal action to have it removed.


“I had agreed to be interviewed,” Thomas says, outside a cafe that refused to admit him because he’s such a complete wanker, “but the resultant article was so badly written that it rivals some of the better written passages of my books.”


When we asked for further clarification, he says, “Look, Meals of Food promised not to make me appear like a complete wanker, but ended up making me look like a complete wanker. If anyone's a complete wanker, it’s Joomag for making me look like a complete wanker.”


When we asked for still more clarification, he says, “I admit that the release of my Dooven Books was not good for anybody, but neither is Joomag’s article about me. They promised the article would improve my standing in the public eye by portraying me as less of a complete wanker than my books did. This was the reason I agreed, because, as I said, I’m not a complete wanker. The media’s had a great time portraying me as a complete wanker and I thought that having Joomag write an article about me, particularly when they promised not to make me appear to be a complete wanker, would help lessen the image of me being a complete wanker.”

We contacted Merchison Barrington-Barrington, Thomas’ barrister for clarification. He says, “The fact of the matter is that my client is not a complete wanker. I mean, a prerequisite is a penis, for a start. Nevertheless, Joomag’s “Meals of Food” article, although not specifically referencing my client’s genitalia, made no effort to quell the rumours of him being a complete wanker. We decided, therefore, to make some expensive telephone calls to ensure the article was retracted. It’s just a pity the same wasn’t done with his books in the first place, which would leave Thomas free to spend more time on his genitals, and less on demonstrating that he hasn’t got any.”

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