Write Quietly And Carry A Large Pen


Occasionally, Thomas stumbles across a writer—often in a library—keen to advertise how brilliant their writing is, by sighing, weeping, and bashing, at a great pace, the proverbial out of their keyboard: smashing the keys in self-chastisement, struggling beneath the burden of weighty genius. Thomas, however, believes writing ought to be a gentle, organic process of nurture, with words caressed from finger to screen, and not punched out as though the keyboard’s responsible. Mind you, considering some of the rubbish written, frustration is understandable. It is perhaps surprising, therefore, that Thomas hasn’t set fire to his.

Thomas has a four-pronged approach to dealing with noisy, self-important typers.


Firstly, he ignores them. Feigning oblivion really gets their goat, and tethers it in a vat of sulphuric acid.


Secondly, he types casually, to prove that being a psychotic keyboard smasher is not a prerequisite for genius. Instead, typing casually suggests violent typing wrings out creativity about as effectively as peeing from an empty bladder. Moreover, typing casually implies genius might emerge quietly from shadows, rather than being bashed into existence by some twat thrashing a keyboard. Violence has no place in creativity—unless one writes about that sort of thing. Typing violently confuses creativity with conceit.


Thirdly, Thomas types constantly, even if it’s just random letters, to further imply an effortless, uninterrupted flow of talent requiring little taming.


Fourthly, he pours orange juice on their computer. This really shuts them up. Well, stops their typing at least. They often get violent too—not surprising after what they’ve been doing to their keyboard—which Thomas counters with impressive one-handed karate moves while his other hand remains typing unimpeded. This often impresses librarians too, who also dislike noisy patrons.


A talented writer has no need to broadcast. Advertising the fact is like asking for directions for a destination they're vying for. Brilliant writers have no need as they are there already.


Thomas of, course, isn’t.